Safety First

The guy lives despite a single nail lodged inside his skull.  Ouch!  Do I have your attention yet?  My original plan was to insert the x-ray photo at this point for visual aid, but seeing it creeped me out.  You’ve heard of those stories where some guy accidently gets shot by a nail gun to the head and lives to tell the story, right?  Well, a similar incident happened to me recently.  Please continue reading if you have the stomach for it.  Otherwise, nobody will blame you if you choose to walk away right now and start thinking about cute puppy dogs.  (Wait … did I just say cute?  Now that really creeps me out.)

Lately, I’ve enjoyed watching older couples and how they interact with each other.  I can remember watching an elderly couple at a nice movie theater in Vancouver.  Sure, it was a $3.00 per ticket theater, but that reasonable price did not influence my decision to have a movie date night there … at all.  (Kevin said with a straight face).  I was already seated with my wife and sharing a bag of popcorn when a well dressed, elderly lady made her way down our row.  Her husband was not far behind.  With walking cane in hand, I saw that guy struggling to keep up, yet he would not give up the chase.

I smiled and thought … hey, that’s what I want.  Even with a walking cane in hand, I plan to never tire of chasing my wife, Carrie, the girl of my dreams.  And the good news for me is that she seems to let me catch her, every time.  I’ve even told her that if she ever leaves me … I’m going with her.  (Whoa!  Stalker alert!)

So the elderly couple passed by us and we continued to sit in that crowded movie theater.  We were shoulder to shoulder, lost in love (see Air Supply from the 80’s), and continued eating our non-buttered popcorn.  Little did we know that a tragic accident was a mere moments away.

Making pleasant conversation, I chose to point out the obvious to Carrie that greasy butter is an essential part of any popcorn enjoyment.  I suppose I should have seen the ice burg dead ahead as Carrie replied with an adamant disagreement.  We exchanged words and then our discourse became escalated.  I’m not exactly sure of what happened next, but I may have accidently dropped a very, very, small piece of non-buttered popcorn that somehow fell in the direction of Carrie.  It barely grazed her; however, I am convinced that her disproportionate response was deliberate and far from accidental.  A flurry of popcorn pieces began to fly, mostly in my helpless direction.  Then, by the grace of God, the lights in the theater dimmed, the movie started, and the popcorn throwing madness stopped.  We reached a cease fire agreement.  We went on to share what was left of the popcorn and enjoyed our $3.00 movie … well, actually, I was out six bucks ‘cause I paid for Carrie’s ticket too.  Just thought I’d get that out there.

About a month later, we discovered that our innocent game of popcorn throwing may have gone horribly, horribly wrong.  I mean, what could possibly explain why I forget to pick up milk on my way home from work?  Or how about when I allow the kitchen trash to overflow without taking it outside?  Or then there’s my inexplicable desire to watch sports on television instead of The Martha Stewart Show?  It must be from a piece of popcorn that somehow managed to pierce through my skull and lodge inside my brain.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.

It may be too late for me, friends, but I believe there is hope for others.  I plan to bring to light the dangers of wives throwing popcorn pieces at their husbands.

It is a fact that most wives have more hair covering their heads then their balding husbands.  That excessive hair offers women more natural protection from flying popcorn.  So, unless the husband is wearing a safety helmet, wives should refrain from returning popcorn fire.  Wives, when a flying piece of popcorn careens off your full bodied hair, simply smile and turn the other cheek.  Lowering to your husband’s immaturity level will only increase the risk of a permanent popcorn head injury to the love of your life.

Here’s another interesting fact.  The average life expectancy of men is less than women.  Now I’m not suggesting that popcorn in the brain of husbands is related to life expectancy, but it does make one pause to ponder.  (Insert overwhelming feelings of guilt in wives here.)

Well, since that fateful night at the movies, I have been resting my chiseled body on the couch in the comfort of my boxers, eating candy, and throwing my empties on the carpet below.  And no, I do not blame Carrie for what happened.  I completely forgave her for throwing popcorn at me.  I mean, really, how could she know?

I did go out and purchase a walking cane in anticipation of my deteriorating health.  I realize that my wish from earlier has arrived sooner than I thought.  Please watch for me.  I’m now the old guy you’ll see walking with my new cane in hand.  And this part is especially true; I will never tire of chasing my wife, Carrie, the girl of my dreams.