A Scary Display of Conflict Resolution

** FINE PRINT WARNING:  The following brief essay has been known to create unwanted and lingering mental images for some … well, most readers.  Some readers may consider the following discussion juvenile or immature.  (I know, weird, huh?)  But just read it anyway.  **

I’m not sure what’s over there in my neighbor’s yard.  It’s big, it’s certainly hairy, and it’s no doubt dangerous.  Their pet is probably best described as a cross-breed Black Bear and Sasquatch with a touch of meaner than a junk yard dog.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the obvious signs of ware-wolf DNA … you know, so there’s that.  (OK, maybe the DNA part is exaggerated, but I’ve seen enough ware-wolf documentaries to know ware-wolf traits when I see ‘em.  I mean come on now … can’t anyone?)

With my nose firmly pressed against our living room window, I've seen Bob’s Red Meat home delivery truck dropping off at least a pallet of … well, red meat I suppose.  But that delivery only arrives once a week and that delivery is woefully inadequate.  How do I know this?  Because of the significant decline in furry, adorable, and harmless bunny rabbits that used to frolic carefree in our neighborhood … just sayin’.

And finally, now listen up here, you know Sam, our local dog catcher?  Well, it seems he came into our neighborhood last month and … well, let’s just say the investigation into his strange disappearance is still ongoing.  Do the math yourself.

I vividly remember that cold winter day when my up-close and personal encounter with the hairy beast happened.  It was only last week when I opened my front door and saw our adopted child GONE in a flash.  It happened quickly as her four legs moved her further and further away from me.  Our sweet, innocent Cocker-Spaniel puppy left our sanctuary and ran directly toward the danger of our neighbor’s house … yes, we’re talking the hairy danger.  I could not stop her.  BARK!  BARK!  BARK!  BARK!  The barking of both animals filled the air with a deafening and horrifying sound.  It was a haunting sound like none I have ever heard before … nor ever wish to hear again.  I found myself resolved, however, to do what I must do.  With disregard for self, I went into the danger zone and met eye to eye with the hairy beast.

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Easy now readers.  Please take a slow, deep breath.  Let’s all pause for a moment at this frightening yet true story and discuss some well-known facts of nature.  Skunks, porcupines, and overweight middle aged men.  Each may appear non-threatening on the surface.  At times they may even appear fluffy, cuddly, or approachable.  That is, until they are threatened.

We all know of skunks and porcupines and their natural defenses, but allow me to continue as I share how my God given, middle aged large-ness saved my dog, my city, and most likely … the world.

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Without even thinking, I placed myself in harm’s way.  I found myself directly between my dog and that … large, fierce, hairy beast.  I took a vulnerable position of turning my back on the imminent danger to stoop down and somehow managed to snatch up my puppy.  I embraced her in the safety of my arms.  While still crouching down, I held her tightly against my chest and shielded her as I awaited my fate.

A strange silence suddenly overcame the brisk morning air.  Wait, silence?  Calm?  And more importantly, why was I still alive?  What just happened here?

Seconds later, while still hunched over, a chilling breeze passed over the backside of my body … specifically, in an area just south of my waistline.  I slowly turned my head around to see the hairy beast cowering in fear on my neighbor’s front porch.  Could it be that I was able to do something that no physically fit 20 or 30 year old could do?  Was it the sheer girth and pale skinned display of my overweight, middle aged physique that repelled the threat of that beast?

Slowly, I arose victorious from my crouched position.  Although I was still holding my pink collared Cocker-Spaniel, I now held her with only my right arm firmly clutching her as if she was a leather football.  Of course, I remembered not to spike her as if she was a leather football.  With pride at that very moment, I realized that even an overweight and middle aged man can be called upon to save the world.

Wait, are you threatening me?  ‘Cause I’ll use my conflict resolution skills on you right now ... and don’t think I won’t.