Where Going Green Does Not Belong

WARNING!  The following contains graphic and disturbing mental images.  Reader discretion is advised.

An overweight, middle aged guy with hairy feet has a severe case of unsightly fungus.  The fungus is invading, overwhelming, and conquering his toes and he's wearing green toenail polish for St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m sorry you had to read that last sentence.  Although I didn't see it, I’m sure that’s what it had to look like.  A guy with a hairy foot or athlete's foot?  No problem.  But a dude with green toenail polish?  Now we've got a problem.

It all started when I was at the copy machine at work yesterday … uh, you know, working.  Well, the lid on the copier was open while I was making my copies and I mentioned to a co-worker that I was getting a nice tan.  I only received a courtesy laugh for that comment so I decided to up the ante.  I told her that the reason I have six toes is from leaving the lid open while I make copies.  Now that line got the intended response and an outbreak of laughter ensued.

I only wish the conversation had ended there.  Unfortunately, my co-worker decided to invite me into her personal life.  Scary.  I wondered if perhaps she too had six toes and was offended with my comment.  I think if she did have six toes it would’ve been easier for me to accept then what she was about to tell me.  And I suppose it was my fault for looking like I cared when I really just wanted to finish my copies and get outta there.  I mean, I’m a guy … and guys don’t care.  (Man code #32)

I know I screamed in terror on the inside and may have even let out an audible gasp as she proceeded to rat out her husband and what he did for St. Patrick’s day … he painted his toenails green.  (I actually had trouble typing that last sentence because it’s so disturbing.)  I froze motionless at the copier wanting to miraculously teleport back to the sanctuary of my office.  Sadly, when I opened my eyes, I was still standing at the copy machine and still listening to the now awkward silence.

Look, I’m not judging … wait, who am I kidding?  Yes, I am judging.  No man should ever wear toenail polish.  EVER!  And St. Patrick’s Day is no excuse.  Gentlemen, I will state the obvious, on St. Patrick’s Day you wear a green shirt or man-up to the consequences be they a punch, a pinch, or even water boarding.

Give me unpolished toenails ... or give me death.  (Man code #19)