Be Nice … and Stop Being a Jerk. How to Give Your Wife Verbal Encouragement and Stop Cutting Your Toe Nails on the Carpet

I think the wordy title of this essay steals the thunder of what you’re about to read in the next few minutes.  I know it may be tempting for any husbands out there to read the essay title, quickly apply the essay title, and then walk away into the sunset to live happily ever after with his wife ... because we all know that it … Just.  Might.  Work.  And husbands really are just that good.  There’s no hiding the fact that the title above could very well be the antidote, the instant marriage saver fix, for all husbands currently breathing on the planet.

If you decide to keep reading, though, I promise to share a few tips that have crossed my mind recently.  Read about it, laugh about it, and who knows, perhaps you might even apply some of it to your marriage.

Look, I know there are many ways to build a strong, happy marriage.  My book shelf is filled with top-selling books describing the five, seven, or ten ways to have a successful marriage.  And I think the books on my shelf raise excellent points.  I encourage you come over to my place and read as many as you’d like (as long as you don’t start cutting your toe nails on the carpet).  Please, by all means, be a student of your marriage.  Various book topics include Christ centered, communication, money matters, putting down the toilet seat, blah, blah, blah … and all of these books provide excellent insights.  Each topic is worth the pursuit and worth mastering.

But what about “Be Nice … and Stop Being a Jerk”?  To my shock and amazement, I found no book titles or chapters that offered such direct, profound insight.  I know I used the word jerk in the title, but some may be more comfortable referencing a long-eared horse like animal known to have buck teeth.  And you are welcome to use that three letter word if you choose.

Now, are you ready for powerful, mind-blowing insight?  Here goes.  If you’re being nice, then you’re not being a jerk.  And if you’re being a jerk, then you’re not being nice.  Got it?  I’m not going to waste either of our time telling you what nice looks like ... you've heard it your entire life.  Follow these steps:

1. Think of what you believe nice will look like for your wife.
2. Ask you wife if she can add to or modify your list.
3. Be nice ... and stop being a jerk.

Done.  Moving on.

The subtitle of this essay is “How to give your wife verbal encouragement and stop cutting your toe nails on the carpet.”  Translation:  Use your words and actions to communicate love.  You've got to do both.  Follow these steps:

1. Get an imaginary empty bucket.
2. Place it next to you.
3. Put your wife's name on the imaginary bucket.
4. Fill the bucket with encouraging words.
5. Go splash her with the contents of your encouragement bucket.  (reminder:  this is not literal.)
6. Repeat often.

There are plenty of discouraging words to be found from other sources outside the marriage.  Don’t pile on and bring those words into your marriage.  Be quick to catch your wife in the act of doing right.  Follow these steps:

1. Find a penny dated 2014.
2. Put the penny in one of your pockets.
3. Always carry that penny with you.
4. Let that penny be your encouragement reminder that 2014 is the year that you decided to begin splashing your wife with praise.

And finally, regarding cutting your toe nails on the carpet … uh, yeah … probably shouldn't do that, OK?  Same with finger nail cutting.

Please look for my next essay.  It will be the same title, but I’ll trade out the word Wife and replace it with Husband.  Because wives shouldn't cut their toe nails on the carpet either.  I suppose that also means both husband and wife will have to be nice to each other.  Wait, what? ... whoa, that might actually work.

I know I've offered an overly simplistic solution for any marriages that were perhaps struggling or needing an idea boost, but I'm thinking that whole being nice and encouraging each other stuff sure can't hurt.  Marriage is a beautiful, fun, lifetime friendship.  Treat it that way.

Problem Solver

I went out the Reception desk this morning to get a stack of papers that I needed.  It didn’t take long for me to realize that I needed both hands for the task.  This clearly meant that the object I was holding in my right hand would have to be relocated.  As a true problem solver, my eyes darted back and forth between the stack of papers I needed and the lone object in my right hand.  Sensing the time pressure, I knew I needed to do something.  Immediate action was required.  Then, to my amazement, I soon began to see the solution play out before me.  As if by instinct, I found myself stuffing those remaining four or five bites of Snickers Bar into my mouth as one colossal, super-sized bite.

And just like that … done.  Problem solved.    Yep folks, and not really bragging here, but that’s a lot of what I do as a manager all day.  Uh, you know, solve problems that is.

“Ahhhhhh!”  Suddenly, to my horror, I made eye contact with the receptionist as she was returning to her desk.  “Ahhhhhh!”  I screamed again in my mind … because … well, screaming out loud was not a favorable option for me at the time.  Both of my cheeks were freakishly stretched beyond normal capacity.  I gave the receptionist one of those “deer caught in the headlights” looks and hoped beyond hope that this dreaded situation would soon go away.  Various thoughts were racing through my mind … like, why can’t she leave well enough alone?  Can’t she just focus on doing her job?  Why does she hate old people?  I’m hungry.

I prayed for the phone to ring.

The phone never rang.

The awkward silence was finally broken with the sound of the receptionist’s voice.  I was relieved to hear that she only wanted to know if I was eating a Granola Bar.  Ha!  That’s it?  She only wanted to know if I was eating a Granola Bar?  Awkward silence filled the room for a bit longer.  Meanwhile, freshly ground pieces of Snickers Bar enjoyed a trip down their water slide to my slightly overweight stomach.  Eventually, I answered her question then slithered back to my office.

Look people, in my defense, there was a lot of background noise at the time and her question was rather confusing.  Besides, everyone knows that there are plenty of healthy, granola-like peanuts inside a Snickers Bar.  Really now, whether it’s Snickers, granola, or a steak sandwich … there’s not that much difference anyway.

Now leave me alone.  I need to get back to work.

I Tied My Shoes Today

Here's a brief recap of my day.  It's an unbiased assessment of my experiences and the miracle-worthy-ness of it all:

• I tied my shoes.  Yep.  Miracle.

• I got a front row parking space.  Whoa! Another miracle.

• I mowed the lawn.  Thinking ... thinking ... yes, it's a miracle.

• I saw Mt. Hood today.  Definitely a miracle.

Look, I know that by shouting miracle for seemingly normal, common, and even predictable occurrences, I risk diluting the sacredness of that word.  But instead of saving/hoarding this word "miracle", patiently waiting for … well, only truly miraculous conditions, I choose to go on a reckless, yet reverent, verbal spending spree of the word, “miracle.”  I am willingly and intentionally seeking out experiences in my day that I can and will attribute to miracles.  And I really can’t help it.  I am compelled to, arguably, lower the standard of what constitutes a miracle.   

But wait … did I just admit to lowering the standard and saturating the miracle market with my rapid paced "miracle of the minute" view.  Please stay with me here.  I submit to you that I am not lowering the miracle standard at all.  I submit to you readers that I am, in fact, elevating it to a new, higher level of daily praise and celebration.

I will rest ... and breathe, smile, splash someone, shoot a rubber band at a co-worker, and wash dishes.  All in a quest to seek exhilarating examples of the miracle of life.

And there are more miracles out there ... cover me, I'm goin' in.

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One year ago I wrote the following:

I will smell more flowers, pet more dogs, hug more people, and laugh more often.  I will swim in oceans, climb up mountains, and run in open fields.  I will seek ways to serve others, order off the dessert menu, and make a miserable face whenever I eat Sushi.

I've been given another chance at life.

I was hospitalized with a serious brain injury.  The central part of my brain, the thalamus, was swollen from lack of blood flow.  "The thalamus plays a major role in regulating arousal, the level of awareness, and activity.  Damage to the thalamus can lead to permanent coma."  New-medical.net.

It started with severe headaches, dizziness, and finally, coma-like symptoms that would send me to the hospital.  At that time, May 22, 2005, doctors could neither predict my outcome nor my recovery.  They could not offer my family any assurance that my health would return to normal.  Permanent damage was a possibility.

During my hospital stay, I was overwhelmed with prayers, family, friends, phone calls, and visits.  I am forever grateful for all the encouragement and support my family and I received during such a difficult time.  I soon began the rapid recovery that would amaze doctors.

About a week later, I would conquer the feat of tying my own shoes.  Tasks that were once simple, brought mental challenges.  I remember walking the long hospital hallways, with Carrie, in what always seemed like a marathon endurance race.

Today, I enjoy a 100% recovery.  The doctors refer to my case as a miracle ... and I believe them.

I tie my own shoes with renewed appreciation.  What was once a mental challenge, has returned to simple.  I walk the long hallways of life, with Carrie, and it always seems like a walk in the park.

I've been given another chance at life.

So with renewed passion and purpose, each day I will seek ways to smell it, touch it, see it, taste it, and listen to it.  Care to join me?  Lace up your shoes ... get out there and start enjoying your walk through life.

Kevin, a grey-haired eight year old.

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My miracle recovery, described above, occurred nine years ago this month.  Since then, I've noticed that my life is continually surrounded and inundated by miracles … and on a daily basis.

So how about you?  Got miracles?  Tied your shoes lately?

Your daily miracles are out there too … start looking, experiencing, and then start celebrating.